To take matters in my hand.

In the plain childishness of love(being caught up with it), I decided to take matters of everything else in my hands.

For once I want to bear the brunt of everything that has been going on. And I’ve decided that I’m gonna be strong about it.And I’m not going to let anything get me down.

Cause for once I want to let go of all the hatred and anger and secrets I’ve kept from people and just keep my mind clear for awhile.

I guess for years now, I’ve been keeping everything in and not telling people how I feel (out of politeness and probably preventing myself from breaking friendships)

My mind wonders back to how it all started.I had no proper friends back in secondary school. It was superficial bullshit day after day. I had to deal with the critisms, the fights, the stares, the horrible pranks everyday. And I wouldn’t blame myself cause I had to admit that, even back then, everything was based on superficiality, you’re not “in”, if you’re not thin. And as a teenager, I guess I was trying to fit “in” and basically finding an identity that suited me perfectly. Through that I made enemies, constantly getting into trouble, getting bullied and in turn, taking that anger to bully people. I was a horrendous mess. Till one day, a big fight, probably still the biggest fight,broke me in every way. At that point of time, I lost my friends, grades were slipping etc. I for once was alone. Till some of my classmates picked me up and till this day i’m grateful.

Mistake #1(personally)

Making my way into nursing. Thinking of what was good for me and not what I wanted. Its true that you can’t get everything you want. But you can work for it, and work hard at it. My passion for music is always there and I would like to achieve something in that or at least contribute to the local scene. But the stigma of it all is that you can’t do much with your music talent here in singapore and it has stuck with me for years but half of me is constantly fighting and telling myself that there is still hope that I can really achieve something. And I wouldn’t say that nursing hasn’t thought me anything, I’ve learn t loads but it can never ever suit my personality. And starting shift work to me is committing social suicide.

Mistake #2

Giving my time and effort into a band for months that went to waste. I’ve been thinking hard about it. The few months that I spent working on a band that had the mentality of a rockstar, drained me so bad. That I always look back in disgust. Cause I build them up, initiated everything, only to have them disrespect my family and be so complacent about everything that happens in the band. And its good that we had a good lashing and trashing out in the end, but I cannot kill the grudge. And now I’m wishing I had used the time to build my current band, Percussionistas. But things happen for a reason and now everything is perfect.

Mistake #3

Family. had I been more proactive, helping my mum out, my mum probably wouldn’t been so bitter. And I’m full of regrets on that part. And I swore to myself that I’d help her in any way possible. And if that means she being relieved that my dad is out of her life I’d do it. I can’t keep fighting for them to be together, its been far too long and far too much damage. And as much I would hate for them to part, I can’t let my brother keep hearing them fight or I can’t let us(my bro and I) take the brunt of it all by taking sides every time they fight. Cause in the end, they should realise that they BOTH have made mistakes whether big or small and it resulting in a very strained, beyond salvageable relationship.

MIstake #4

being a fool in a previous relationship.

Mistake #5

Not starting to save. I’m gonna start saving money for my rainy day. Which could be anytime soon. I’ve cut down a hell lot of taxis. And all that money is going into my untouchable bank from now on.

5 major downfalls….many minor downfalls. But I’m sure as hell loving my life right now.

Cause my achievements outweigh them all.

And the moral of the story, children is that:Things happen for a reason, and its up to you to take it in a positive light or be bitter about it all your life.

I’m only realising this now.Never too late, right?

and to all of you who have been there for me in one way or another. you all are my heroes. even if you were  there only for awhile.

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary=)


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April 2008
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